Texts From Last Night

During my college years I was informed about “Texts From Last Night”, a hustling and bustling website that housed embarrassing texts about Friday nights bar crawl, ones social habits, and general debauchery.  Well, here is a brief collection of my friends’ texts from last night, sent to me, since living in Uganda. 

For the sake of those involved, all names will remain anonymous.

Got a package.  Getting my cat.  Avoiding a riot.  Got free sugar cane.  Today is so much better than yesterday!

Missing you like old Ugandans miss teeth.

Hit me up if you need an escort in the morning.  I am your soldier.

Breakthrough.  Got a car with air conditioning and they understand how to use defrost AND windshield wipers.

Real talk.  Wake me up for pancakes.  Also I may or may not have died en route home.

Somebody tried to bring a cavara full of g-nut sauce in his carryon.  I need out of this country. 

Are we close enough yet to text while long calling?  Just curious.

There’s a Ugandan in my ceiling…

My fabric lady gave my phone number to a priest.  How do I decline a dinner invite from a priest without being rude?  Ha!

Finally moving!  Only 5 hours after I bought my ticket.

I pet a rhino!  The Entebbe Zoo doesn’t monitor visitors well…

Have you night bucketed yet?  I may have to long call.  There should be a word in English for stifling your long call while you sleep.

Some man on the street just thanked me for eating…

My supervisor’s 19-year-old son just asked if he could kiss me because he wants to know what it is like to kiss a white girl.  I said no.

I still laugh every time I see the recipe “Hot Sausage Fest” in the cookbook.

Dude.  I’m still alone in the car and he’s hauling!  Must be a birthday miracle.

My aunt gave me a Christmas box with Crest toothpaste!

Murph and I were forced to hold babies.  It was terrible.

Boda driver strippers. 

P.S.  A cavara is a plastic bag and long calling is pooping.