Family Knows Best

90 days until this journey wraps up.

My current state of mind feels like Dorothy’s from The Wizard of Oz… Nervously waiting for the day a tornado, or in this case a Boeing 747, will rip me from my home.  

Yesterday as I drank my French pressed coffee on the porch as the sun slowly rose, I realized that my two worlds are really not that far apart. 

Maybe it helped that I was also Skyping my family… Seeing my parents, Lexi, and the new puppies got me thinking about life, what I wanted, and where that place was exactly.

They say home is where the heart is and while California occupies a huge chunk of that, Uganda is slowly by slowly taking over. 

And I am pretty confident my family knows that.

Yesterday my parents asked the question I had been nervous to come to reality with… Was I really coming home in December?  They asked about potential jobs in Uganda.  They asked about salaries and cost of living. 

And they were supportive of it all.

This was after I told them of an Al-Shabaab Imminent Attack, which my pop’s response was something along the lines of, “Yikes.  The world is a crazy place.  Have you heard of ISIS?”

I am glad to know they my parents are just as comfortable as I am with my Ugandan life.

Often times as the hours pass, I write down everything I want to do when I get home… Drink good coffee with Emily, head to Pinecrest, go to Inverness, explore my favorite San Francisco spots, wear a pea coat as I walk town during the brisk winter nights looking at Christmas lights, catch up with friends and new babies like Amelia, and just sit next to the fire with my family while we drink wine and gin fizzes.

Then amid this I start to panic.

I can even feel it happening now.  My heart rate increases, my voice cracks, hands shake, sweat starts to accumulate, and my stomach becomes uneasy.

I am going to miss Uganda and the simplicity that life is here… Sitting by candlelight reading my Nook and having all my laundry washed on a weekly basis for $2.80. 

But then I think about America again and how I long for the gym, walks downtown, baseball and football games, the idea of one day getting a puppy and a place of my own, daylight savings, and blenders.

Oh blenders.

Back to Uganda --> I will miss your sushi, the people who seem to never forget a face, katenge fabric, buying a season of Glee for 0.60¢, the onset of a storm, markets, tailored clothes, and the ability to know exactly when the sun will rise and set.

Throughout the past 844 days I like to think I have become a changed woman.  I am much more patient, I recognize the positives rather than the negatives, and have learned to listen with my heart.  Plus there is so much more that is difficult to articulate into words.

Lately though I have been trying to identify where this anxiety is stemming from.  Most Volunteers are excited to go home.

Why not me?

I am nervous that I have undergone this life changing experience and no one at home will be able to relate or understand.  I am nervous of figuring out the future. 

“What is your plan?”

“Do you have a job yet?”

“Are you dating anyone?”

I feel like the more time that passes in Uganda, back home nothing has changed.  Yes, friends have married and moved, and yes, animals have passed away, and yes, people have been experimenting with Pinterest crafts and recipes.

But I have changed.

My hair is blonder, my clothes are made out of local fabric, my lower legs house scars left behind by mosquitos, and my weight has been up… And down.  The idea of what I want to do long-term has changed, my perceptions of others is much more forgiving, and I have discovered new interests and passions.  These are the things I want to share but I have no words to describe the transition… Especially as I leave everything behind that has played a part in this process. 

I am a different person.  I think differently.  I act differently.  I know this because I experience it 24/7.  Now how do I get this point across to others? 

I feel that I will fail in doing this and will become annoyed, lost, and upset.  I feel that what I have done here is the most important stage of my life thus far and no one will understand because no one close to me has undergone this transformation.

As my friend Stephanie recently wrote in her blog, “The trouble with doing something like serving in the Peace Corps is that you NEED to talk about it.  Desperately.  It’s this monumentally huge life change.  And all of us, even the quiet ones, need to talk about the big stuff.  The stuff that alters the way we look at the world and the way we look at ourselves.  And questions about Ebola, while topical, just aren’t going to cut it.”  Read her whole post here: Would You Rather. 

Back to that question my parents asked about December…

I am coming back. 

For now.

But here is the honest truth.  Someday I will return back here.  I will see my youth again.  I will ride the bumpy ride back up to Kitgum to see those that helped shape me into the person I am now.  I will find the kids who have left an everlasting imprint on my heart.

Thing is.  I don’t know when.

I want to settle down… Unearth the job that makes me happy, find someone to share my life with, and get back into a routine.

I will always have a tie to Uganda and I love that I get to call this place home.

Maybe I will be fortunate enough to find another sometime in the future…